I'm back to the reality of a full time job that's far more to me than just a place to work and so I invest much more of myself into it than I ever intend to; not to mention my weekly Kitchen Witch cooking video/recipe/blog, and life in general. I share this because this evening I realized I'm already one blog behind on the commitment I made to myself at the start of the year to write something of significance *to me* every day - as a reminder of the path I'm on and the things I'm working toward.
This morning over coffee and candle light, I performed my morning ritual of prayer, grounding, and a card reading from my Osho Zen deck, and I was reminded (for the third day in a row no less) that I stretch myself too thin and that I need to be taking more time to do nothing. To say nothing, to write nothing, to think nothing, and to do nothing, and, instead, just Be.
I never fully understood how difficult this is for me; to just be still and not be doing. But I also rely on and believe in the wisdom of spirit when it speaks to me, and I'm hearing, loud and clear, that my soul needs some time in nature. Tree wisdom, rain on my face. Time by the ocean to sit with the waves, and time in pajamas with a good book.
The other thing my soul needs, I believe, is time with my mother. We children can be tough task masters when it comes to our parents - especially when they don't live up to or meet the incredibly strident expectations we've set up for them in this life. But our parents are merely human themselves. Though at one time, they were everything in the world to us, our champions, the people with all the answers, it becomes incumbent on us as adults (or at least on me) to let go of the adolescent disappointment; that mocking stab in the heart we felt the day we realized the illusion of our parents was false.
The day we looked toward the supposed perfection of other families and saw within their bounty, everything ours lacked.
I completely realize I'm talking to myself right now - and that's okay. The whole purpose of this blog is to figure things out for myself - and what I'm figuring out is that I need to let go of the bone. I need to forgive my mother, and appreciate my mother, and love my mother for exactly who she is.
And then I need to spend more time with her.
Our relationship will never be perfect. She will still trigger me. And I her. But when I can get about the business of understanding that every feeling. Every. Single. Feeling. is a treasure and this entire soup we're in called life is a one shot deal in this incarnation (I only ever get one chance at being Lyndsay to my mom's Glenda), maybe I can get my head out of my own ass and stop wasting time.
And that's today's reminder: